New poem

I am delighted to have a poem up at YourOnePhoneCall poetry webzine today.

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That fear of being embarrassingly bad

I don’t remember when I started writing poetry, but I was very, very young. I do remember writing poems in infant school, but they weren’t my first.

We were asked to write a poem about fire at school one day, and my effort was awarded an unprecedented six Smarties in the school’s reward-and-incentive scheme. My mother told me that when she came to collect me at 3.30 that day, the other kids in the class all clamoured round her, excitedly informing her, “Mrs Branton! Mrs Branton! Melanie got given SIX Smarties for writing a REAL poem – with rhyme and everything!”

Because I always wrote in rhyme in those days. Not the clumsy attempts at rhyme that most young children (and, for that matter, many adults) make – forced rhymes that don’t even make sense, eye-wateringly bad scansion. Despite the fact that I am dyspraxic and in most areas of life have a dyspraxic person’s sense of rhythm – I dance like David Brent at his daughter’s wedding – I have always instinctively understood beat in poetry. Like most children, no matter how many times the teacher told me “Poetry doesn’t have to rhyme”, I thought it did. Until the age of about thirteen or fourteen, I churned out rhymed poetry in regular, traditional rhythms, often light verse and for a child of my age they were eerily competent.

Then I became a typical angsty adolescent and two things happened: I discovered the power of poetry as a cathartic conduit for my feelings, and I decided that rhyme was so unsophisticated and last-century. I abandoned the old-fashioned, but creditable-after-its-fashion work I had hitherto been writing and basically started ranting about how I was feeling on paper and calling it poetry. Any  imaginative or original use of language went out the window, as I thought that the most important thing  – indeed, the ONLY important thing – in poetry was emotional authenticity.

This carried on until I went to university and one day attended a creative writing group, run by one of the modernist literature lecturers and enthusiastically supported by predominantly male students who wore black polo necks, read existentialist literature for light relief and had already been earmarked for PhD places. I read out one of my efforts and there was an embarrassed silence and everybody in the room avoided eye contact with me before someone trotted out some extremely carefully-worded blandness about my poem being “deeply felt”. I realised that I had made a terrible faux pas, that they thought I was a gauche moron who didn’t deserve to be in higher education, that my poetry was crap.

I pretty much stopped writing any poetry at all for about twenty years after that. I thought I had no talent, that I was woefully, toe-curlingly terrible at it, although I still loved reading poetry and, in my intermittent work as an English teacher, it was always the part of the course I taught best.

It was only when I joined a local community poetry group on a whim about ten years ago, as a hobby to give me a break from caring for elderly parents, that I started writing again. Even then, I stuck mostly to brittle light verse for a long while or writing poetry which was cerebral and theoretical rather than steeped in personal experience, terrified of being that oversharing, naive undergraduate embarrassing herself again, terrified of letting my emotion in.

Then, finally, I started doing slams, where confessional poems, revealing very private things about yourself, are often prized, and I finally felt able to put myself back in my poetry again, although this time trying very hard not to throw out the craft-baby with the bathwater.

In my experience, many people go through those same stages with poetry –

Stage 1: thinking all poetry must rhyme and have a regular rhythm and be narrative, rather than lyrical

Stage 2: thinking no poetry should rhyme and it should be entirely self-expressive

Stage 3: total confusion and self-doubt

Those who are lucky make it onto Stage 4 – mature poetry-writing, where there’s a balance of craft and emotional authenticity.

Even now, though, I fear embarrassing myself, doing the wrong thing, in a poetry scene which seems to be increasingly fragmented into different subgenres and schools where strict and often mutually contradictory rules seem to apply, where some audiences like you to bare your soul, while some would really rather you didn’t, where some “tastemakers” value spontaneity, while others value careful crafting.

I think it’s easier if you just pick a style and follow it rigidly and derivatively – you will find a home and a circle that loves you. Unfortunately, I don’t fit comfortably into any one poetic camp. As I often say, I don’t so much fall between two stools as lie sprawling between several entirely different items of furniture. And so the fear of being perceived as “doing it wrong” never goes away.

Some random thoughts about age

People from the page poetry side of my life often ask me, “Is there a lot of ageism in spoken word?” and my honest answer to that question is, “I don’t know.”

If there is, it certainly hasn’t stopped me winning slams. And if there are people in spoken word who resent older people per se and would like to bar them from the scene, then they must be a very small and quiet minority, as I’ve never heard anyone voicing those views. People have overwhelmingly been friendly and supportive to me – at least to my face.

And yet pretty much everyone I know over the age of 30 who participates in spoken word (including me) has a nagging sense they’ve been discriminated against on occasions. We’re probably just paranoid whiners, though – it is a fact of slamming that from time to time you lose to someone you don’t think you should have lost to and it’s all too easy (and ugly) to reach for the nearest -ism to explain it. On most occasions when a fellow slammer complains to me that they’ve been the victim of ageism/misogyny/misandry/racism/”reverse racism”/whatever, it is all too clear to me that the real reason for their disappointing score was either (a) they weren’t as good as they thought they were (b) the judges’ taste on that occasion was for a different style of poetry from that they were offering. And the same reasons almost certainly apply on the (extremely rare) occasions when I’ve thought I’ve been scored down for my age.

I think age can have an indirect impact on your chances, though, in a variety of ways.

Firstly, older poets sometimes pick subject matter and/or poetic forms and/or performance styles which just don’t connect with a younger audience. If you do a poem about, say, allotment gardening or the menopause, written in a traditional Pam Ayres-style rhythm and rhyme scheme, with the best will in the world, no matter how good you are, an audience of 18-25-year-old hip-hop enthusiasts probably aren’t going to find it that interesting. As with any other form of writing/performing, to an extent, you have to adapt to audience and purpose, and complaining about that makes as much sense as complaining that Motorhead have never been asked to perform at the Proms or that Countdown isn’t broadcast in the Saturday night post-pub slot.

Secondly, people sometimes make entirely reasonable but wrong assumptions about older performers. In a scene which is dominated by the under-30s, it is perhaps not surprising that people sometimes assume you’re not there to perform, at all – I have been asked which one of the performers is my son. The other two assumptions that I feel dog me are:

1. that I must have been doing spoken word for much longer than I have been. I think sometimes people don’t offer me opportunities or help that they offer to younger performers, simply because they wrongly assume I must already know everything about the scene and have a formidable list of contacts of my own

2. that at my age I must only be doing it as a casual hobby and that I can’t possibly have the same aspirations to a career in spoken word that a 25-year-old has. I may be wildly wrong here, as no-one has ever actually said it, but when I’ve done well I’ve thought I might have detected a bit of an unspoken attitude of “That was a waste of an important opportunity that could have gone to a young person who really needed it”.

Thirdly, understandably, not many 20-somethings want to hang out with me socially or ask me to their parties. I wouldn’t expect them to, I wouldn’t want to, and it doesn’t offend me. But if that’s where a lot of the networking gets done or where the latest opportunities are shared, then I will miss out.

It’s probably no secret (because I never shut up about it) that I have got progressively more angry and upset over the past 12 months because I feel I am not taken as seriously or offered as many opportunities as almost anyone else I know who has won the same kind of level slams as I have. To be honest, there are so many other factors which are likely to be the cause of this (not least of all, my own piss-poor social and self-promotional skills), that age probably isn’t much of a factor. Is it a factor at all? I don’t know.